Why my puppy is just as awesome as your baby

I recently read a blog post that said something along the lines of, 'your puppy sleeping through the night for the first time doesn't compare to my baby sleeping through the night. So stop comparing my baby to your puppy.'
I took a certain amount of offence to this statement.
I do agree that they are completely different things. But people just try to relate to one another and for some of us, our puppy sleeping through the night for the first time is the closest thing we will ever experience to your baby sleeping through the night. Our puppy finally being potty trained is the closest thing we will ever have to your kid being potty trained.
Now I dont have a puppy or a baby but I have recently lost both a puppy and a baby. I have always wanted to be a mom so when I found out I was pregnant at 20 years old I was suprisingly estatic. When I lost that baby and was told that the chance of me ever getting pregnant again were slim to none and being able to carry a baby past 20 weeks would be never happen. So I went home and cuddled my 9 week old puppy and realized that that puppy was the closest thing I would ever have to a baby. From then on out every new thing he did became just as exciting to me as your baby doing something new is for you.
They are completely different things, but never tell someone their puppy isnt as special or as important as your kid. Because to them, that puppy might be the closest thing to a kid they will ever have. Just let that 'puppy owner' try to relate to the excitement you get to experience with your baby becuse being a 'puppy owner' is sometimes the closest thing someone will ever get to being a mom.

In Your Twenties

"Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time and all aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."
                   -Kyoko Escamilla

This is something I have to remind myself of everyday. I have spent the last few years trying to make everyone else in my life happy and I lost sight of what makes me happy. I will admit, it was a good year full of a lot of lessons and experiences.  But this last year is a year I would never want to live through again. I am so greatful for the experiences and the lessons but I am even more greatful that they are lessons and experiences that I never have to go through again.

I was blessed with an amazing job opportunity in the beautiful state of Florida. It was such an amazing job full of amazing learning experiences.  I was able to work with some of the best massage therapists in the United States. As well as some of the most prestigious clientele. This, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I would have liked to have been able to go without a few of the experiences, although I learned a lot from them. Lessons I wish I didn't need to learn but now that I am through them I realize how much I needed to learn them. I very irresponsibly dove into a relationship with a man I barely knew and he went on the journey to Florida with me. I am thankful he was there for me and I had someone there to experience it all with. But near the end of my year in Florida he turned out to be a whole different person than the one I moved there with.

We got ourselves into a very stressful situation and instead of working through it like we had every other stressful situation,  he became abusive. Which, of course, made me very distant and defensive.  Which led to him becoming more contolling and abusive.

I was the girl I promised myself I would never become. I became so insecure and depressed that I actually believed him when he told me he was the only man who would ever love me. I belived him when he told me I wasnt good enough for him or anyone else. Worst of all I believed him when he told me it was my fault when he hurt me.

One day I was reminded of my worth. I had been reminded multiple times but I finally gained the confidence to believe it. That was the best lesson I learned this year. That I have worth. I am a stong, beautiful woman that desrves to be treated with kindness and love. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and love.

I had spent so much time and energy trying to make this pathetic man happy that I lost sight of my own happiness. I lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. I became someone I never wanted to be. I wasnt treating myself or anyone else with kindness and love.

So, having lost sight of my 'selfishness' I have made a promise to myself- To make this next chapter of my life, this next decade of my life, the most 'selfish' years. I am now, thanks to the help of an amazing support system, healing and becoming happy again. I am taking this time to focus on myself and doing what makes me happy. Thanking God everyday for giving me the courage to begin a better life for myself.

Always remember your worth.

Change.

My last post was about how much I hated living in North Carolina. Well, now that I am back in Utah I miss it, a lot. I met a lot of amazing people out there. I changed a whole lot too. I opened up more and am no longer shy. I figured out how to talk to people that I don't know, how to read people. Along with changing I learned a lot about myself. About what I want out out of my life. What I want out of my relationships with people. Not only with a man, but with my family, and friends. The change back to Utah has been fun as well. I finally moved out on my own. Completely on my own. In North Carolina, living with my sister was pretty much just like living with my parents. No bills, free food, having to come home at a certain time, not being able to do what I want, the normal teenage white girl problems. Now I'm on my own. I have roommates, who I love. Well, the one I love. I love being on my own. I love the freedom, the responsibility, the day to day changing and growing and learning. The biggest change in my life is going to be starting school. I am starting massage therapy school in a week. This is the scariest/most exciting thing I have ever done in my life. In 7 1/2 months I can get a big kid job and get out of Buffalo Wild Wings hell! I am learning to love change.

Independance.

Well, it turns out that living on your own isn't as fun as it sounds. I'm sure it would be funner if I had a job or friends but at the moment the only part of 'living alone' I am experiancing is the 'alone'. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being alone 3,000 miles from home, does. It's been two months since I've seen any of my family or friends. I am having no luck finding a job or friends here. I miss working. Doing nothing all day everyday is really starting to get to me. The depression is starting to get bad. I sleep almost all day, everyday. It's getting bad. This isn't anything like I thought it would be. The not wearing pants thing is awesome though. I really do love that. Being by myself all the time has really opened my eyes. Helped me realize who I am. What I want to do with my life. Along with decideding what I want to do with my life I have also realized that I don't need friends let alone a boyfriend. This has been a great realization for me. Although I hate being on my own it has been good for me. I have discovered a lot about myself.  

Regret

'Never regret something that once made you happy.'
This is one of the many quotes I live by. My question is am I aloud to regret loosing something that made me happy? Because right now, tonight, loosing that someone, the person who made me the happiest I've ever been, is my biggest regret. It happened almost a year ago but I still think about it all the time. I wonder what I could have done differently, if I said something, if I would have fought for him, would I still have him? He is still the cutest, sweetest, most caring, funniest guy I have ever met. He changed my life in so many ways. I miss him more than anything every day. I have missed him since the day I let him walk away. I was just so done fighting. Not fighting for him, which in retrospect, I should have done. But I was done fight with him. Done trying to make things perfect. When, if I would have stopped nagging, stopped trying so hard, things would have been perfect because I would have been with him. I still remember the first time I met him, I remember the moment I fell in love with him, I remember the joy I felt when he told me he loved me, and I will always remember the pain I felt as he said goodbye. I will never forget the things I should have done differently. The things I should have said or done but never did. I don't just miss him, I miss who I was when I was with him. I miss our adventures, how easy it was to be happy when he was around. I honestly hate that I still think about him. That he still has this affect on me. But I'm getting past it. I learned so many lessons from the things we went through. I will always love him and I will never regret the things we went through. I will, have, moved on. Love is such a complicated thing. For most people it comes with regrets, my only regret, letting it go. Fate will bring us back together if that's what's supposed to be. But honestly, its just another chapter of my life. Another page turned to a blank page. The next chapter may be better, it may not, no body really knows. But I will make the best of it. Either way. <3

Getting Older.

Today I'm applying for college. I hate to admit it but I'm scared to death. Being on my own scares me. I've always wanted to grow up, move out, and be independent but now that its actually happening I'm freaked out. I'm too young for this. I shouldn't be looking at apartments, buying toasters, stressing over money, applying for college, everything! I'm 17 years old. I'm too young for this. I finally found out I'm almost on track to graduate. Even the idea of graduating scares me but I'm so ready to be done that graduation couldn't come soon enough. The worst part about this whole moving out thing is that my parents are thinking about selling our house when I move. I don't like the idea of going home for the weekend to a house I've never been in. That isn't home. I grew up in this house. I have so many memories here. I love our house. I love my memories. This is the house I wanted to be able to call grandma's house. I want my kids to be able to make memories here too. I never thought growing up would terrify me. But now that it's actually happening, it does.

My 'great' education

Lately I'v been really sick. So getting to school is really hard. I wake up in the morning feeling nasious. This has been going on for a couple of months. Well this morning i was probably 20 minutes late for school and when i got there my teacher was explaining an assignment. Not wanting to interupt him i went and sat at my desk until he was done explaining it. When he was done i went up to get the assignment and appologize for being late. After that i went and worked on my assignment but i couldnt figure out how to do one part so i asked for his help. He told me he wasnt going to help me because i was late. The girl i was sitting next to asked the exact same question. She got help. I was so mad that i just left. Public education is the best, right? Im so sick of having to explain to everyone that im sick. That i cant physically get out of bed in the mornings. Well this has been going on for so long that i am failing 5 out of 8 of my classes. The end of the quarter is in three days. Im ready to be done. Done being sick and done with school. One day.

The greatest of men.

I have been blessed with only the greatest of men in my life. My grandpas were two of the most amazing men i have ever met. Thirteen years ago we lost one of the greatest of men. My grandpa Brown died when i was four years old. I dont remember very much about him but i do remember how much he loved me and the rest of my family. I remember the feeling i would get as we would pull into my grandparents drive way each time we visited. I remeber sitting on his lap reading books. I remember how he smelled. I remeber how it felt when he hugged me. I remember how much i loved getting to see my grandpa brown. I miss him so much and wish i would have been able to make more memories with him. I wish we would have more time. Thirteen years ago my grandpa had a stoke on his way out of the grocery store and a few days later my grandma had to make the hardest decision of her life. He was on life support and the doctors didnt think there was any chance he would ever be taken off it. New years will never be the same. I love you grandpa. Thanks for being my gardian angel. I have four of the best watching out for me everyday. Grandma and Grandpa Brown, Grandma and Grandpa Larsen. You are all missed by many. Gone but never forgotten. Experiancing these losses has brought me to realize that life is short. Hold on to the ones you love. Never forget whats truely important and embrase every day. Every day is a new day, a gift, another chance. Forgive, apologize when needed, and love always. Always tell the ones you love that you love them and live life to the fullest. <3

Empty promises.

Most people call them new years resolutions. But nobody ever does what their resolutions are. So i think they are empty promises to yourself. But not this year. This year i am going to go to california and learn how to surf, move out, graduate high school, start massage theropy school, be more social, and be more confident. I want this year to be amazing, so im going to make it amazing. Im not going to take crap from anyone. Im going to be happy. Thats my biggest goal for 2012, to be happy. Hopefully ill fall in love again at one point but if not i dont mind. I dont need a man in my life to make me happy. 2011 was a great year. I loved and i lost. I learned who my real friends are and who they werent. I met a lot of amazing people and made a lot of great memories. I grew a lot this last year and i am going to continue to grow into 2012. I learned to find a lesson in every experiance, positive or negative. To not stray from your beliefs. You become very unhappy when you do something you believe is wrong to do. So stick to your beliefs, they are the key to happiness. Live and love life. Make the best out of every single day. Bring it on 2012.

The Christmas kiss

Christmas was great this year. I got to hang out with my family. I got some awesome footy pajamas and some money. It was a good time. But what made this Christmas is the kiss i got from a really cute boy. We dated awhile back but then things just ended. He moved away for school so i havent seen him for a really long time. So he came to visit me. He told me that we were going to get married and have babies. Be even told my parents about it. Well i walked him to his car when he had to leave and we were just talking then all of a sudden he got really nervous. He then grabbed my face really dramaticly and kissed me. :) it was a pretty great kiss. It gave me butterflies.... I havent had bitterflies in a long time. I feel so stupid for falling for him again but i am...

Young, wild, and FREE!

The last month i have been dating this guy, Cory. Well, he is an amazing guy. So, naturally, i had to break his heart. Girls say there are no good guys out there anymore. I,personally, beg to differ. I have yet to meet a none great guy. Of course they all have there moments. But every guy iv met for awhile has been pretty amazing in one way or another. Like Cory, for example. He is so sweet, fun to be around, and he made me smile. But me, being me I couldnt be happy. I don't understand it. Yet it happens all the time. I think what I will be the most happy with right now is to be single. To go out, have fun, meet new people, and enjoy every moment. This is why i hurt every guy i meet. I fall for them and so we rush thing then i realize that it isnt what i want. I believe i do this because im trying to get over my ex. We broke up over 6 months ago... I was so in love with him, so happy with him, and now i am incapable of getting that same feeling i got with him. I miss the butterflies i got everytime he kissed me or even held my hand. I still get butterflies when he walks into the room or when he looks at me. I can't seem to get rid of my feelings for him. But even if i were to 'talk' to him again i dont think that that is what i want. I am not in a point in my life where i want a relationship. I don't want to be with just one person when there are so many great people out there that i havent met yet. How can i know that someone i meet tomorrow is or isnt the one im supposed to be with? Why do i need to know that? And, why should i waste my time in a relationship that i know is going nowhere and possibly miss out on meeting someone i was ment to meet. Someone that could change my life. Why should i miss out on someone/thing great?

Exclusive.

Being exclusive with someone isn't really something I want to do right now. The only problem is I'm 'exclusive' with my best friends cousin. I really like him. That's not the issue. It's the fact that I was raised to only seriously date people you can see yourself marring. Well, my life plan has changed. I don't want to get married. Ever. So that means I shouldn't seriously date anyone, right? The thing I am most scared for is that I will fall in love with him or he will fall in love with me and I will have to break his heart. I can't break up with him right now because I fear that I'll break his heart. I don't exactly know what to do. I really like him but I don't want a relationship right now. I can't end things with him because that will completely ruin things between me and him and possibly things between me and my best friend. I wouldn't be able to handle that. He is such a sweet guy and he is incredibly nice to me. Our personalities are very compatible. We have so much fun together and he makes me happy. That's why I'm scared that if I let things progress I'll hurt him even more. The things I want to do with my life I can't do while in an exclusive relationship and I don't want anything to hold me back. I can't let anything hold me back or I'll live a life full of regret. I want to do something with my life. I want to see the world. I want to experience things no other person has experienced. I want to do yoga on the beach of Australia, climb to the top of Mount Everest, hike in Chile, snowboard in Aspen, spend a week as a hobo, just to see if I can, help build a water well in Africa, ride an elephant in India, my list goes on and on. I have so many goals. So much to accomplish and all of that could be only a dream just because of the word 'exclusive'. That exclusive relationship could prevent me from doing the things I want to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm in high school. I'm still trying to form a relationship with myself, trying to figure out who I am. I shouldn't have to worry about forming a relationship with someone else. How can I be happy with someone else when I don't even know who I am? But how can I hurt someone who is so sweet?

Winter Wonderland!

It is December 9th and there is no snow. I live in Utah. There should be snow. I have never experianced a winter without snow and this one hasn't been fun. The temperature is always in the negatives but there is no snow. If it's going to be this damn cold there needs to be snow. I personally love snow. Winter is my favorite season. Just because of snow. This winter has been miserable so far. It seem like just a really cold fall. I hate fall. I can't get my head around the idea of having not a white Christmas... It's going to be a weird one for sure. This Christmas will also be weird because I won't have my whole family home for it. There are 5 of us kids and 3 have now moved away so it will just be me and my brother and possibly my sister. It will still be weird not having everyone home. But it will still be Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Sleep Is For The Weak.

In the book of life it must be written that while in high school you aren't going to sleep. At all. I am constantly exhausted. Waking up at 7 in the morning does not work for me. The best is when I get to go to work at four, leaving me a half hour in between school and work, not get home till after eleven, and have to still do homework. That's always awesome. That's what I did yesterday and got to do again today. Woo! I can't complain though. At least I'm getting an education and I have a job. I've only got a couple more months then I'm out of school and into the real world. I like to pretend that that doesn't scare me. It doesn't. It terrifies me. I don't even know where to begin being an adult. The fact that next November I get to vote in the presidential election means I need to figure things out and become an adult. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm trying to take on as much responsibility as I can right now to prepare myself. I've discovered I don't like responsibility. At all. Yeah I'm excited to graduate and move on from this hell hole. But I don't know where to go, or even where to begin. I thought I had everything in my figured out. What I want to do with my life, where I want to live, all that kind of stuff. Now I have a completely different dream and it kinda scares me. It's a lot more risky. My whole life I have wanted to get a degree in something, it didn't matter what, get married, and have kids and be a stay at home mom. Now I don't even want to get married. I know what I want to go into as a career, I know where I want to live first, but then I have no clue. I want to move all over the world. Not settle down until I'm at least 30. I'm scared that if I travel around the world first and try to settle down later I won't ever find someone. But I'm scared if I settle down right away he'll be the wrong person or I'll regret not seeing the world like I want to. Life is full of hard decisions. Hopefully I make the right choice. I won't know till later. That's how life is, right? 

No Service.

It turns out smart phones aren't water proof. So dropping one in the toilet isn't a good idea. Last night this happened to me. I don't know how but my phone fell into the toilet. Now it doesn't work. Everyone says to put it in rice to pull all of the water out of it. Well, that doesn't work. Either that or it takes a really long time to dry. Honestly, I don't mind not having a phone. I like being disconnected from the world. I've never been a big fan of texting so it's nice to not be obligated to text people back. With my phone being broken I have learned that I can go a whole day without getting on Facebook. That's nice too. Today I wasn't troubled with anyone else's drama or complaints. Facebook has become a network of negative energy. I don't like negativity... That's why I started a blog. So I can voice my opinions and thoughts without having to deal with everyone else's complaints about life. Life is meant to be an awesome experience. It can only be a great experience once you learn to look past the bad and see the good. There is something good and bad in everything. It's all about the way you take it. If you look for the negative that's what you're going to find. That's why I try my best to look at the positive. It makes things a lot easier.