In Your Twenties

"Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time and all aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."
                   -Kyoko Escamilla

This is something I have to remind myself of everyday. I have spent the last few years trying to make everyone else in my life happy and I lost sight of what makes me happy. I will admit, it was a good year full of a lot of lessons and experiences.  But this last year is a year I would never want to live through again. I am so greatful for the experiences and the lessons but I am even more greatful that they are lessons and experiences that I never have to go through again.

I was blessed with an amazing job opportunity in the beautiful state of Florida. It was such an amazing job full of amazing learning experiences.  I was able to work with some of the best massage therapists in the United States. As well as some of the most prestigious clientele. This, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I would have liked to have been able to go without a few of the experiences, although I learned a lot from them. Lessons I wish I didn't need to learn but now that I am through them I realize how much I needed to learn them. I very irresponsibly dove into a relationship with a man I barely knew and he went on the journey to Florida with me. I am thankful he was there for me and I had someone there to experience it all with. But near the end of my year in Florida he turned out to be a whole different person than the one I moved there with.

We got ourselves into a very stressful situation and instead of working through it like we had every other stressful situation,  he became abusive. Which, of course, made me very distant and defensive.  Which led to him becoming more contolling and abusive.

I was the girl I promised myself I would never become. I became so insecure and depressed that I actually believed him when he told me he was the only man who would ever love me. I belived him when he told me I wasnt good enough for him or anyone else. Worst of all I believed him when he told me it was my fault when he hurt me.

One day I was reminded of my worth. I had been reminded multiple times but I finally gained the confidence to believe it. That was the best lesson I learned this year. That I have worth. I am a stong, beautiful woman that desrves to be treated with kindness and love. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and love.

I had spent so much time and energy trying to make this pathetic man happy that I lost sight of my own happiness. I lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. I became someone I never wanted to be. I wasnt treating myself or anyone else with kindness and love.

So, having lost sight of my 'selfishness' I have made a promise to myself- To make this next chapter of my life, this next decade of my life, the most 'selfish' years. I am now, thanks to the help of an amazing support system, healing and becoming happy again. I am taking this time to focus on myself and doing what makes me happy. Thanking God everyday for giving me the courage to begin a better life for myself.

Always remember your worth.