Independance.

Well, it turns out that living on your own isn't as fun as it sounds. I'm sure it would be funner if I had a job or friends but at the moment the only part of 'living alone' I am experiancing is the 'alone'. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being alone 3,000 miles from home, does. It's been two months since I've seen any of my family or friends. I am having no luck finding a job or friends here. I miss working. Doing nothing all day everyday is really starting to get to me. The depression is starting to get bad. I sleep almost all day, everyday. It's getting bad. This isn't anything like I thought it would be. The not wearing pants thing is awesome though. I really do love that. Being by myself all the time has really opened my eyes. Helped me realize who I am. What I want to do with my life. Along with decideding what I want to do with my life I have also realized that I don't need friends let alone a boyfriend. This has been a great realization for me. Although I hate being on my own it has been good for me. I have discovered a lot about myself.  

Regret

'Never regret something that once made you happy.'
This is one of the many quotes I live by. My question is am I aloud to regret loosing something that made me happy? Because right now, tonight, loosing that someone, the person who made me the happiest I've ever been, is my biggest regret. It happened almost a year ago but I still think about it all the time. I wonder what I could have done differently, if I said something, if I would have fought for him, would I still have him? He is still the cutest, sweetest, most caring, funniest guy I have ever met. He changed my life in so many ways. I miss him more than anything every day. I have missed him since the day I let him walk away. I was just so done fighting. Not fighting for him, which in retrospect, I should have done. But I was done fight with him. Done trying to make things perfect. When, if I would have stopped nagging, stopped trying so hard, things would have been perfect because I would have been with him. I still remember the first time I met him, I remember the moment I fell in love with him, I remember the joy I felt when he told me he loved me, and I will always remember the pain I felt as he said goodbye. I will never forget the things I should have done differently. The things I should have said or done but never did. I don't just miss him, I miss who I was when I was with him. I miss our adventures, how easy it was to be happy when he was around. I honestly hate that I still think about him. That he still has this affect on me. But I'm getting past it. I learned so many lessons from the things we went through. I will always love him and I will never regret the things we went through. I will, have, moved on. Love is such a complicated thing. For most people it comes with regrets, my only regret, letting it go. Fate will bring us back together if that's what's supposed to be. But honestly, its just another chapter of my life. Another page turned to a blank page. The next chapter may be better, it may not, no body really knows. But I will make the best of it. Either way. <3

Getting Older.

Today I'm applying for college. I hate to admit it but I'm scared to death. Being on my own scares me. I've always wanted to grow up, move out, and be independent but now that its actually happening I'm freaked out. I'm too young for this. I shouldn't be looking at apartments, buying toasters, stressing over money, applying for college, everything! I'm 17 years old. I'm too young for this. I finally found out I'm almost on track to graduate. Even the idea of graduating scares me but I'm so ready to be done that graduation couldn't come soon enough. The worst part about this whole moving out thing is that my parents are thinking about selling our house when I move. I don't like the idea of going home for the weekend to a house I've never been in. That isn't home. I grew up in this house. I have so many memories here. I love our house. I love my memories. This is the house I wanted to be able to call grandma's house. I want my kids to be able to make memories here too. I never thought growing up would terrify me. But now that it's actually happening, it does.

My 'great' education

Lately I'v been really sick. So getting to school is really hard. I wake up in the morning feeling nasious. This has been going on for a couple of months. Well this morning i was probably 20 minutes late for school and when i got there my teacher was explaining an assignment. Not wanting to interupt him i went and sat at my desk until he was done explaining it. When he was done i went up to get the assignment and appologize for being late. After that i went and worked on my assignment but i couldnt figure out how to do one part so i asked for his help. He told me he wasnt going to help me because i was late. The girl i was sitting next to asked the exact same question. She got help. I was so mad that i just left. Public education is the best, right? Im so sick of having to explain to everyone that im sick. That i cant physically get out of bed in the mornings. Well this has been going on for so long that i am failing 5 out of 8 of my classes. The end of the quarter is in three days. Im ready to be done. Done being sick and done with school. One day.

The greatest of men.

I have been blessed with only the greatest of men in my life. My grandpas were two of the most amazing men i have ever met. Thirteen years ago we lost one of the greatest of men. My grandpa Brown died when i was four years old. I dont remember very much about him but i do remember how much he loved me and the rest of my family. I remember the feeling i would get as we would pull into my grandparents drive way each time we visited. I remeber sitting on his lap reading books. I remember how he smelled. I remeber how it felt when he hugged me. I remember how much i loved getting to see my grandpa brown. I miss him so much and wish i would have been able to make more memories with him. I wish we would have more time. Thirteen years ago my grandpa had a stoke on his way out of the grocery store and a few days later my grandma had to make the hardest decision of her life. He was on life support and the doctors didnt think there was any chance he would ever be taken off it. New years will never be the same. I love you grandpa. Thanks for being my gardian angel. I have four of the best watching out for me everyday. Grandma and Grandpa Brown, Grandma and Grandpa Larsen. You are all missed by many. Gone but never forgotten. Experiancing these losses has brought me to realize that life is short. Hold on to the ones you love. Never forget whats truely important and embrase every day. Every day is a new day, a gift, another chance. Forgive, apologize when needed, and love always. Always tell the ones you love that you love them and live life to the fullest. <3