In Your Twenties

"Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time and all aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."
                   -Kyoko Escamilla

This is something I have to remind myself of everyday. I have spent the last few years trying to make everyone else in my life happy and I lost sight of what makes me happy. I will admit, it was a good year full of a lot of lessons and experiences.  But this last year is a year I would never want to live through again. I am so greatful for the experiences and the lessons but I am even more greatful that they are lessons and experiences that I never have to go through again.

I was blessed with an amazing job opportunity in the beautiful state of Florida. It was such an amazing job full of amazing learning experiences.  I was able to work with some of the best massage therapists in the United States. As well as some of the most prestigious clientele. This, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I would have liked to have been able to go without a few of the experiences, although I learned a lot from them. Lessons I wish I didn't need to learn but now that I am through them I realize how much I needed to learn them. I very irresponsibly dove into a relationship with a man I barely knew and he went on the journey to Florida with me. I am thankful he was there for me and I had someone there to experience it all with. But near the end of my year in Florida he turned out to be a whole different person than the one I moved there with.

We got ourselves into a very stressful situation and instead of working through it like we had every other stressful situation,  he became abusive. Which, of course, made me very distant and defensive.  Which led to him becoming more contolling and abusive.

I was the girl I promised myself I would never become. I became so insecure and depressed that I actually believed him when he told me he was the only man who would ever love me. I belived him when he told me I wasnt good enough for him or anyone else. Worst of all I believed him when he told me it was my fault when he hurt me.

One day I was reminded of my worth. I had been reminded multiple times but I finally gained the confidence to believe it. That was the best lesson I learned this year. That I have worth. I am a stong, beautiful woman that desrves to be treated with kindness and love. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and love.

I had spent so much time and energy trying to make this pathetic man happy that I lost sight of my own happiness. I lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. I became someone I never wanted to be. I wasnt treating myself or anyone else with kindness and love.

So, having lost sight of my 'selfishness' I have made a promise to myself- To make this next chapter of my life, this next decade of my life, the most 'selfish' years. I am now, thanks to the help of an amazing support system, healing and becoming happy again. I am taking this time to focus on myself and doing what makes me happy. Thanking God everyday for giving me the courage to begin a better life for myself.

Always remember your worth.

Change.

My last post was about how much I hated living in North Carolina. Well, now that I am back in Utah I miss it, a lot. I met a lot of amazing people out there. I changed a whole lot too. I opened up more and am no longer shy. I figured out how to talk to people that I don't know, how to read people. Along with changing I learned a lot about myself. About what I want out out of my life. What I want out of my relationships with people. Not only with a man, but with my family, and friends. The change back to Utah has been fun as well. I finally moved out on my own. Completely on my own. In North Carolina, living with my sister was pretty much just like living with my parents. No bills, free food, having to come home at a certain time, not being able to do what I want, the normal teenage white girl problems. Now I'm on my own. I have roommates, who I love. Well, the one I love. I love being on my own. I love the freedom, the responsibility, the day to day changing and growing and learning. The biggest change in my life is going to be starting school. I am starting massage therapy school in a week. This is the scariest/most exciting thing I have ever done in my life. In 7 1/2 months I can get a big kid job and get out of Buffalo Wild Wings hell! I am learning to love change.

Independance.

Well, it turns out that living on your own isn't as fun as it sounds. I'm sure it would be funner if I had a job or friends but at the moment the only part of 'living alone' I am experiancing is the 'alone'. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being alone 3,000 miles from home, does. It's been two months since I've seen any of my family or friends. I am having no luck finding a job or friends here. I miss working. Doing nothing all day everyday is really starting to get to me. The depression is starting to get bad. I sleep almost all day, everyday. It's getting bad. This isn't anything like I thought it would be. The not wearing pants thing is awesome though. I really do love that. Being by myself all the time has really opened my eyes. Helped me realize who I am. What I want to do with my life. Along with decideding what I want to do with my life I have also realized that I don't need friends let alone a boyfriend. This has been a great realization for me. Although I hate being on my own it has been good for me. I have discovered a lot about myself.