Change.

My last post was about how much I hated living in North Carolina. Well, now that I am back in Utah I miss it, a lot. I met a lot of amazing people out there. I changed a whole lot too. I opened up more and am no longer shy. I figured out how to talk to people that I don't know, how to read people. Along with changing I learned a lot about myself. About what I want out out of my life. What I want out of my relationships with people. Not only with a man, but with my family, and friends. The change back to Utah has been fun as well. I finally moved out on my own. Completely on my own. In North Carolina, living with my sister was pretty much just like living with my parents. No bills, free food, having to come home at a certain time, not being able to do what I want, the normal teenage white girl problems. Now I'm on my own. I have roommates, who I love. Well, the one I love. I love being on my own. I love the freedom, the responsibility, the day to day changing and growing and learning. The biggest change in my life is going to be starting school. I am starting massage therapy school in a week. This is the scariest/most exciting thing I have ever done in my life. In 7 1/2 months I can get a big kid job and get out of Buffalo Wild Wings hell! I am learning to love change.

Independance.

Well, it turns out that living on your own isn't as fun as it sounds. I'm sure it would be funner if I had a job or friends but at the moment the only part of 'living alone' I am experiancing is the 'alone'. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being alone 3,000 miles from home, does. It's been two months since I've seen any of my family or friends. I am having no luck finding a job or friends here. I miss working. Doing nothing all day everyday is really starting to get to me. The depression is starting to get bad. I sleep almost all day, everyday. It's getting bad. This isn't anything like I thought it would be. The not wearing pants thing is awesome though. I really do love that. Being by myself all the time has really opened my eyes. Helped me realize who I am. What I want to do with my life. Along with decideding what I want to do with my life I have also realized that I don't need friends let alone a boyfriend. This has been a great realization for me. Although I hate being on my own it has been good for me. I have discovered a lot about myself.  

Regret

'Never regret something that once made you happy.'
This is one of the many quotes I live by. My question is am I aloud to regret loosing something that made me happy? Because right now, tonight, loosing that someone, the person who made me the happiest I've ever been, is my biggest regret. It happened almost a year ago but I still think about it all the time. I wonder what I could have done differently, if I said something, if I would have fought for him, would I still have him? He is still the cutest, sweetest, most caring, funniest guy I have ever met. He changed my life in so many ways. I miss him more than anything every day. I have missed him since the day I let him walk away. I was just so done fighting. Not fighting for him, which in retrospect, I should have done. But I was done fight with him. Done trying to make things perfect. When, if I would have stopped nagging, stopped trying so hard, things would have been perfect because I would have been with him. I still remember the first time I met him, I remember the moment I fell in love with him, I remember the joy I felt when he told me he loved me, and I will always remember the pain I felt as he said goodbye. I will never forget the things I should have done differently. The things I should have said or done but never did. I don't just miss him, I miss who I was when I was with him. I miss our adventures, how easy it was to be happy when he was around. I honestly hate that I still think about him. That he still has this affect on me. But I'm getting past it. I learned so many lessons from the things we went through. I will always love him and I will never regret the things we went through. I will, have, moved on. Love is such a complicated thing. For most people it comes with regrets, my only regret, letting it go. Fate will bring us back together if that's what's supposed to be. But honestly, its just another chapter of my life. Another page turned to a blank page. The next chapter may be better, it may not, no body really knows. But I will make the best of it. Either way. <3